Alain de Botton is a British author and a philosopher of our contemporary age. His work tackles a few of the most timeless issues of the human experience, one being the art of love in relationship. Too often, literature and films depict solely the beginning of love, the falling into, & the vibrant romanticism at the start, but what happens after?
De Botton deciphers what love means over the period of a lifetime in his book “The Course of Love.” In this piece, love is not painted through the lens of early infatuation, but a realism we seldom read about. His claim is that relating to another person over the stretch of years, demands continual emotional literacy, and when that is lacking, empathy. The relationships we foster, have the power to propel dreams to fruition or force us down into hellish terrain.
A strong relationship, De Botton argues, is one with complementary strengths, where two beings are different but those differences are leveraged. Yes, there will be sacrifice, but more often there will be a pulling each other upwards through the uniqueness of each individual's lens.
For instance, if our nature is chaotic wildness, we will subconsciously look for a partner with order and structure. If we have an inclination towards anxiety, we will seek a partner who is carefree and easygoing.
“Love means admiration for qualities in the lover that promise to correct our weaknesses and imbalances; love is a search for completion”
We initially see in the other what we aspire to be, with the hope that they are able to fill our deficiencies. Their strengths are palpable to us in the beginning of a relationship, and over time weaknesses unfold. We have the ability to see our own delicate psyche in theirs. Even their faults move us. We aim to protect and nurture the other, and shield them from suffering.
“Love is also, and equally about weakness, about being touched by another’s fragilities and sorrows, especially when-as happens in the early days- we ourselves are in no danger of being held responsible for them.”
In the beginning of a relationship our inadequacies are often met with reassurance and support. Over time, inner pain can be amplified by the other when they seemingly know our wounds well, and aren’t doing their work in mending us.
Why do they not know what we want in bed? Why can’t they see that we work so hard and don’t want to do laundry when we come home? Why can’t they understand why we go silent when they meet their old college friends, all of which are stupid?
Everything becomes the other’s wrong doing instead of our responsibility, in psychology this phenomena is known as transference. The hardships of relationships and living itself become the other’s fault. The other is the reason why we are late for the party, why the money is drained, why the dishes are dirty, why we can’t go to Italy, and why we don’t see our sister as much as we used to.
“Common of all the presumptions of love is that the person to whom we have pledged ourselves to whom we have pledged ourselves in not just the center of our emotional existence, but is also as a result- and yet in a very strange objectively insane and profoundly unjust way, responsible for everything that happens to us, for good or ill. Therein lies the peculiar and sick privilege of love.”
So often we are disappointed by the world in which our needs are refused. The world that disregards us and our potential; the good job we can’t get, the house we can’t afford, the lack of communication we’ve always wanted with our mother. There are so many external forces we feel neglected by and dismissed from. Transference in a relationship occurs when the lover takes the grunt of the dissatisfaction we feel towards life itself.
“It is because we cannot scream at the forces who are really responsible that we get angry with those we are sure will best tolerate us for blaming them. The accusations we make of our lovers make no particular sense. We would utter such unfair things to no one else on earth. But our wild charges are a proof of intimacy and trust- a symptom of love itself- and in their own way a perverted manifestation of commitment. Whereas we can say something sensible and polite to any stranger, it is only in the presence of the lover we wholeheartedly believe in that we can dare to be extravagantly and boundlessly unreasonable.”
In the beginning of the relationship these weaknesses are met with generosity, and over time the repetition of dysfunction grows old. But when our irrationality and fears are met with compassion, we relax a bit into reason. We must return again and again to understanding. We continue to have the hard conversations and challenge one another carefully. It is steadfast significant work.
Over the course of love, we learn that as much as we live in togetherness, at the end of the day we’re inevitably alone.Through the paradox that we are essentially alone in our fate, but synonymously interdependent, we manage both solitude and union. We realize that it is our own fault we didn’t get the job promotion and it is our doing that our artistic gifts are unrecognized. Yes, our lives are our own responsibility.
Relationships crumble under the ridiculous expectations we place upon one person. We must reframe the focus back to ourselves and shortcomings, instead of taking the easy way out, blaming the other for everything. Transference ends with the awareness of self sovereignty. Union at its greatest is two sovereign people building one shared universe. Both are active participants in its manifestation, whether that universe be misery or beauty, it’s a co-creation. No and everyone is to blame. No one and everyone is to celebrate.
We take accountability for our own shit, and know how to make the other aware of his/her share in it. In this way, love is not just blindly accepting the other’s shortcomings, but working through it consciously. Constructive critique is given and taken. It is a progressive spiral.
“Through the Ancient Greek lens, when lovers point out what might be unfortunate or uncomfortable about the other’s respective character, they shouldn’t be seen as giving up on the spirit of love. They should be congratulated for trying to do something very true to love’s essence: helping their partner’s to develop into better versions of themselves. In a more evolved world, one a little more alive to the Greek ideal of love, we would perhaps know to be a bit less clumsy, scared, and aggressive when wanting to point something out, and rather less combative and sensitive when receiving feedback.”
It is easy to shell ourselves off from the world and operate through our own self interest. Love has its requests. Love is not all romantic spontaneity, but an effort. Love is not sweet euphemisms, but many difficult exchanges. Love is not the pursuit of pleasure, but the purpose of growth. Love is the humility to be wrong, the grace to forgive, and the remembrance of why we're here. We're here for each other.
Comments