It was the third day of Burning Man, and Abbie took 120 micrograms of acid. Within the first hour of her trip, she was a crumpled ball on the floor. She wept; it was not a few hot tears but a full-body convulsion of un-metabolized sadness. LSD consistently had a method of unearthing all that lay suppressed in the subconscious. It was rising now, like a crescendo in the symphony of solemnity. Abbie choked on her tears, and a river of mucus ran down her chin. A group of girls sat around her, caressing and consoling her. She could not be pacified.
Between her wet sobs she spoke in French to her childhood best friend, who had a hand on her solar plexus, trying to ground her to this physical reality. I understood not one of the words in their exchange, but the feeling translated, one of existential despair and confusion. We've all been there, lying in the metaphysical (or, in this case, physical dirt) in a refusal to get up because there is nothing to get up for.
We remained in the dirt and a heavy, dry desert heat clung to the skin, and no clouds passed overhead. The sky was an empty, fierce, never-ending blue. Abbie opened her eyes and stared at the nothingness above. Her tears halted momentarily. "I lost God," she spoke to herself.
"I lost God," I repeated inwardly, pondering the statement, rolling it around in my mind. It was impossible.
I couldn't comprehend how you can lose something that's everywhere, that's in everything. You can't lose the ever-present; you can choose not to see it. But maybe it's not a choice. You can be blind to it involuntarily.
You can be in your own dense fog of self-hate, doubt, or pain, but life punctures that thick haze with light. Loving words imbued gently can rekindle the sense of Godliness. Touch can awaken the body to divinity. Nature is a remembrance of the supreme source of all matter.
You can't lose God. You can shut out that singing voice momentarily. You can be blind to the availability of magnificence and worldly splendor. You can neglect your innate gifts. But you can't lose what you are.
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